Joy To The Mall!
An American parody of Luke 2
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a
decree from the U.S. Treasury, that all of America should go shopping. 2
(And this decree was first made when leading economic indicators
dipped to their lowest point.) 3 And all went out to shop, each to his
own mall. 4 And a Christian also went up from his suburban home to the
city with its many malls because he wanted to prove he was from the
household of prosperity. 5 And with him was his wife, who was great
with economic worry.
6 And so it was, that,
while they were there, they found many expensive presents, pudgy-faced
dolls, trucks that turn into robots, and a various assortment of video
games. 7 And the woman wrote checks for those they could afford and
charged the rest on many different kinds of plastic cards; she wrapped
the presents in bright paper and laid them in the garage; for there was
no room for them in her closet.
8 And there
were in the same county children keeping watch over their stockings by
night. 9 And, lo, Santa Claus came upon them; and they were sore afraid
(expecting to see the special effects they had seen in the movies), 10
And Santa said to them, "Fear not; for behold, I bring you good tidings
of great joy, which shall be to all people who can afford this holiday.
11 For unto you will be given this day, in your suburban home, great
feasts of turkey, dressing, and cake - and many presents. 12 And this
shall be a sign unto you: you shall find the presents, wrapped in bright
paper, lying beneath an artificial tree adorned with tinsel, colored
balls, and lights." 13 And suddenly there was with Santa Claus a
multitude of relatives and friends, praising one another and saying, 14
"Glory to you for getting me this gift; it's just what I wanted." 15And
it came to pass, as the friends and relatives were gone away into their
own homes, the parents said to one another, 16 "I sure am glad that's
over. What a mess! I'm too tired to clean it up now. Let's go to bed and
pick it up tomorrow." 17 And when they had said this, they remembered
the statement that had been told to them by the storekeepers: "Christmas
comes only once a year." 18 And they that heard it wondered at those
things that were sold to them by the storekeepers, 19 But the children
treasured all their things in their hearts, hoarding their toys from
each other. 20And the parents, after a drink, went to bed, glorifying
and praising each other for all the bargains they had found in the
stores.
By Chris Dolson, Shreveport, Louisiana
