Is Not Forgiving The Same As Holding A Grudge?
Are those who don’t forgive others guilty of holding grudges? Is it wrong not to forgive? Many people today would say yes unhesitatingly. For example I recently saw an article entitled, “How to Forgive Someone Who Did You Wrong–Here's how to (finally) let go of that grudge.” That sums up popular thought in a nutshell. However, the answer depends on the details. Grudge holding is definitely an unbecoming trait, but not forgiving does not automatically equal holding a grudge. Thinking Christians who believe what God’s Word says know that although forgiveness is certainly desirable, it is not always possible.
Some believe in unconditional forgiveness and would immediately protest, citing the so-called Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6 as the definitive text on the matter.
“And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen. For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt. 6:12-15).
After all, it does mention the word “forgive” 4 times, and threatens the unforgiving with Divine “unforgiveness.” Is that the final word, then? Remember, regarding Scripture, to correctly understand any subject we need to know what the whole counsel of God is on that matter. What other Scriptures mention the subject, and what do they say? God doesn’t have two Words, and His Word does not contradict itself.
An example is how some people piously gurgle, “Judge not that ye be not judged,” as if that settled the whole matter. Unfortunately that is the only Bible verse some folks know. If they read all that Scripture has to say about judging and not judging, it would be an eyeopener, not to mention a life changer. But I digress.
Another frequently cited passage is Matthew 18:21-35. Peter asked the Lord how many times he should forgive his brother who sins against him. The Lord’s answer included the parable of the unforgiving servant. That man was forgiven a great debt by his master, but he refused to forgive a small debt owed him by a fellow-servant, and was severely punished for this. Verse 35 gives the application. “So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.” But many who refer to this parable overlook a very important detail. His offending fellow-servant “fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all” (v. 29). The man humbled himself and admitted his debt. The servant’s sin was not forgiving someone who humbled himself before him, recognized his debt and promised to pay it all. When there is humility, confession and a sincere desire to make reparations, forgiveness should be administered. But today people who are proud, unrepentant, unwilling to recognize their debt, and have no desire to repay, yet they believe they deserve forgiveness and accuse those they offend of holding a grudge. This is a clever attempt to take the moral high ground which they do not have. Those who really seek biblical forgiveness will humble themselves like that fellow-servant. And as believers we should always be ready to forgive, when conditions are right.
An important biblical point often ignored is found in Luke 17:3. “If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.” In personal offenses, what is called for is not (1) the passing of a certain amount of time – like in a penalty box, or (2) an apology, saying “I’m sorry.” The inspired text doesn’t say, “How long are you going to hold on to that grudge and not forgive?” It says, “rebuke him,” which upsets most people because the flesh hates rebuke. Neither does it say, “After you rebuke him, forgive him.” Nor does it say, “And if he says he’s sorry, forgive him.”
Although that would be a start for many today who don’t even know what a good apology is. They say, “I’m sorry you were offended,” or “If I upset you I’m sorry,” or “I’m sorry you took it that way.” Those are egotistical non-apologies that actually accuse the other person of being in the wrong! William MacDonald taught that a correct apology is one that recognizes the wrong done, evidences contrition, and seeks to make amends and achieve restoration. He suggested that the essence is something like this humble confession, “I was wrong, I’m sorry, please forgive me.” No self-justification, no insinuation of others sharing the blame, simple self-reproach and humility.
John the Baptist called upon the Israelites to show fruits of repentance, that is, more than just talk. When Zaccheus received Christ into his home, he immediately manifested those fruits in the abundant repayment of all those that he had defrauded. The Old Testament taught that even damage done by the tongue, through defamation or slander, must be made right by restitution. There’s much more to it than just saying, “sorry.”
The Lord said, “if he repent, forgive him.” God is patient and merciful to the just and the unjust, but make no mistake about it, He does not forgive the unrepentant. The fact that a year or ten years have gone by means nothing, except to the unrepentant who are treasuring up wrath – the accumulating interest of divine judgment on their wrongs. God is not holding grudges. He is waiting for repentance and its fruits. He doesn’t desire that any perish, but that all come to repentance (2 Pet. 3:9). But those who do not repent will perish, and their eternity in the lake of fire will not be a Divine grudge, but Divine retribution in holiness and righteousness.
A sinning Christian who is under assembly discipline cannot be restored until there is repentance. To do otherwise is to thwart and frustrate the Divine purpose and be found working outside the will of God. We cannot be more merciful, kind or forgiving than God. But we are called to be merciful, kind and forgiving LIKE Him.
Paul wrote to the Ephesians, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you” (Eph. 4:32). The key word is “as.” How and when does God forgive? When we repent and believe the gospel we receive His judicial forgiveness (Rom. 4:7; Col. 2:13). When we confess our sin (not say “I’m sorry”), He is faithful and just to forgive us (1 Jn. 1:9). Without those things there is no forgiveness. We each ought to remember that regarding our own offenses.
2 Samuel 14 records how King David took his rebellious, proud, murdering son Absalom back. He longed to see his son, and those around him were pressuring and manipulating to bring it about. But it was one of his great mistakes. God’s law was clear about the penalty for murder. Additionally, Absalom was unrepentant. To allow him into the royal city and courts was a grave and costly error, and he soon stole the hearts of the nation and sought to overthrow and kill his father. Mere sentimental or social forgiveness is not the biblical way.
We should not be bitter or vindictive. It’s true that some people can nurse a grudge like grandmothers nurse along their potted plants for years on end. God loves to forgive, and even so, He has standards that must be met. As those who have been forgiven much, we should be ready and willing to forgive, but not get the cart before the horse. Withholding forgiveness until Biblical conditions are met is not grudge-holding. Only when there is godly sorrow,confession and repentance can there be true restoration. Then only can the blessed joy of true forgiveness and fellowship can be experienced.
Some believe in unconditional forgiveness and would immediately protest, citing the so-called Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6 as the definitive text on the matter.
“And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen. For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt. 6:12-15).
After all, it does mention the word “forgive” 4 times, and threatens the unforgiving with Divine “unforgiveness.” Is that the final word, then? Remember, regarding Scripture, to correctly understand any subject we need to know what the whole counsel of God is on that matter. What other Scriptures mention the subject, and what do they say? God doesn’t have two Words, and His Word does not contradict itself.
An example is how some people piously gurgle, “Judge not that ye be not judged,” as if that settled the whole matter. Unfortunately that is the only Bible verse some folks know. If they read all that Scripture has to say about judging and not judging, it would be an eyeopener, not to mention a life changer. But I digress.
Another frequently cited passage is Matthew 18:21-35. Peter asked the Lord how many times he should forgive his brother who sins against him. The Lord’s answer included the parable of the unforgiving servant. That man was forgiven a great debt by his master, but he refused to forgive a small debt owed him by a fellow-servant, and was severely punished for this. Verse 35 gives the application. “So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.” But many who refer to this parable overlook a very important detail. His offending fellow-servant “fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all” (v. 29). The man humbled himself and admitted his debt. The servant’s sin was not forgiving someone who humbled himself before him, recognized his debt and promised to pay it all. When there is humility, confession and a sincere desire to make reparations, forgiveness should be administered. But today people who are proud, unrepentant, unwilling to recognize their debt, and have no desire to repay, yet they believe they deserve forgiveness and accuse those they offend of holding a grudge. This is a clever attempt to take the moral high ground which they do not have. Those who really seek biblical forgiveness will humble themselves like that fellow-servant. And as believers we should always be ready to forgive, when conditions are right.
An important biblical point often ignored is found in Luke 17:3. “If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.” In personal offenses, what is called for is not (1) the passing of a certain amount of time – like in a penalty box, or (2) an apology, saying “I’m sorry.” The inspired text doesn’t say, “How long are you going to hold on to that grudge and not forgive?” It says, “rebuke him,” which upsets most people because the flesh hates rebuke. Neither does it say, “After you rebuke him, forgive him.” Nor does it say, “And if he says he’s sorry, forgive him.”
Although that would be a start for many today who don’t even know what a good apology is. They say, “I’m sorry you were offended,” or “If I upset you I’m sorry,” or “I’m sorry you took it that way.” Those are egotistical non-apologies that actually accuse the other person of being in the wrong! William MacDonald taught that a correct apology is one that recognizes the wrong done, evidences contrition, and seeks to make amends and achieve restoration. He suggested that the essence is something like this humble confession, “I was wrong, I’m sorry, please forgive me.” No self-justification, no insinuation of others sharing the blame, simple self-reproach and humility.
John the Baptist called upon the Israelites to show fruits of repentance, that is, more than just talk. When Zaccheus received Christ into his home, he immediately manifested those fruits in the abundant repayment of all those that he had defrauded. The Old Testament taught that even damage done by the tongue, through defamation or slander, must be made right by restitution. There’s much more to it than just saying, “sorry.”
The Lord said, “if he repent, forgive him.” God is patient and merciful to the just and the unjust, but make no mistake about it, He does not forgive the unrepentant. The fact that a year or ten years have gone by means nothing, except to the unrepentant who are treasuring up wrath – the accumulating interest of divine judgment on their wrongs. God is not holding grudges. He is waiting for repentance and its fruits. He doesn’t desire that any perish, but that all come to repentance (2 Pet. 3:9). But those who do not repent will perish, and their eternity in the lake of fire will not be a Divine grudge, but Divine retribution in holiness and righteousness.
A sinning Christian who is under assembly discipline cannot be restored until there is repentance. To do otherwise is to thwart and frustrate the Divine purpose and be found working outside the will of God. We cannot be more merciful, kind or forgiving than God. But we are called to be merciful, kind and forgiving LIKE Him.
Paul wrote to the Ephesians, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you” (Eph. 4:32). The key word is “as.” How and when does God forgive? When we repent and believe the gospel we receive His judicial forgiveness (Rom. 4:7; Col. 2:13). When we confess our sin (not say “I’m sorry”), He is faithful and just to forgive us (1 Jn. 1:9). Without those things there is no forgiveness. We each ought to remember that regarding our own offenses.
2 Samuel 14 records how King David took his rebellious, proud, murdering son Absalom back. He longed to see his son, and those around him were pressuring and manipulating to bring it about. But it was one of his great mistakes. God’s law was clear about the penalty for murder. Additionally, Absalom was unrepentant. To allow him into the royal city and courts was a grave and costly error, and he soon stole the hearts of the nation and sought to overthrow and kill his father. Mere sentimental or social forgiveness is not the biblical way.
We should not be bitter or vindictive. It’s true that some people can nurse a grudge like grandmothers nurse along their potted plants for years on end. God loves to forgive, and even so, He has standards that must be met. As those who have been forgiven much, we should be ready and willing to forgive, but not get the cart before the horse. Withholding forgiveness until Biblical conditions are met is not grudge-holding. Only when there is godly sorrow,confession and repentance can there be true restoration. Then only can the blessed joy of true forgiveness and fellowship can be experienced.
Carl Knott
